Official in June

 Well, I received a letter from the courts that they originally denied my legal name change request because I didn't want to publish it in the paper. The whole point of not wanting to publish it was because I wasn't originally going to tell anyone I did it. This is something I am doing for ME. I didn't want people to tell me I was dumb or to try to talk me out of it. Or to be teased about it, because the torment all my life is what led me to file it anyway. 

 So, I went into the court house to see what the next step was and they said they already submitted to have it published. They then assigned a court date of June 3rd. This is will be the day it becomes official. I know there is the whole process of going, but there is no reason for denial. That will mean that on June 3rd my legal name change will be official.

 Since they had to publish it in the newspaper, that meant I also had to tell everyone I was doing it. I was nervous telling them, because I don't want to hurt anyones feelings (my parents) but mostly I just didn't want people making fun of me anymore. I understand it's an off the wall name, but if you've read my other blogs, you'd understand where it's coming from. SURPRISINGLY my family and friends were mostly supportive. It was a weight off my shoulders telling them I was doing it. And a few have accepted and are already calling me by my chosen name. It feels good to be my authentic self. It feels good to be comfortable in such a small (but not so small) aspect of my life.

Die already.

 I just want TRISHA PETERS to die. 

I say that, not in a suicidal way, but in a self hatred way. However, is it self hatred if she is not me, anymore? 

I had to revisit some of that torment last night. I was being questioned about the depth of my self hate to see where the roots of it are. It’s not an easy thing to stare in the face. The things I’ve done as Trisha aren’t pretty. They don’t define the person that I am today. But the skeletons in the closet are so dark and haunting. I just want to escape them. I want them to die. I want everything about the life of Trisha to disappear. I want to reinvent myself and be someone totally new. I want to forget all those things that pull me back beneath the surface and just move on with a new life. 

I think I love acting so much because it gives me an outlet. It gives me a chance to be somebody else and love a different life. A temporary escape from the prison my soul feels in. 

I just want to be able to let go. So, please, for the sake of my sanity and my future to be bright, please. Just let Trisha Peters die. 

Imma break it down for you.

 Ok, I get it. I’ve been called Trish by many of you for 30- plus years (we won’t admit just how old I am here lol). For many of you it’s like I just woke up and said ok I changed my name. But honestly I asked my mom to change my name when I was a teenager. At that time I wanted to be SUMMER DOLORES MAX, but mom obviously didn’t allow it. Anyway, as an adult I found out I could change it simply by filing with the local courts. But, The abruptness of it. The fact I did it on April fools day. I get that you don’t understand. But, it’s not meant for you to understand. I actually swore to myself that I would NOT explain it to anyone. The name choice to you might seem so random. But honestly I’ve thought about it a while and kept it to myself. Mostly because a lot of you are opinionated about a subject matter that you really have no say in. BUT all that aside, I decided to break it down and explain the meaning behind the new name. It’s deep within me and maybe once you read this you might understand. 

Most of you still won’t accept it, it is what it is though. 

JOURNEE LOVE VVANDERLUST

I’ll start with my given birth name, TRISHA MARIE PETERS

I just want to ask to begin with, how many of you have a name that references to a DICK? Look, kids are straight up assholes, and unless you have some name like this one growing up, you might not quite understand the torment I faced for many many years being a woman having a last name that is another term for a man’s cock. It. Was. Horrible. 

So, the majority of my life I spent despising my last name. I hated it more than I hated my ex husband so when I got divorced I kept his last name for quite a while. I did eventually go back to it after my second divorce. Because, at one point I thought, it’s who I am and I have no say in it. And I really did try to embrace it. But, even as an adult and even some of the people who are closest to me still liked to tease me relentlessly. It becomes exhausting hating something about yourself so much. I didn’t choose this name. It was given to me. By parents who, first off, thought I was a boy and was going to name me Jonathon. And when I think about my name and think about my life my dad really wasn’t around a lot growing up and his dad does before I was ever born so it’s not like I was bonded to the name Peters, it was never deeply rooted to me to have any meaning. I just don’t feel like I should continue to have a name that I am teased for and have to honor it, Like, why should I do that?

And Trisha... from Patricia, my mother. Who swore I was a boy and had no girl names picked out, so stuck me with a version of hers so she would be allowed to leave the hospital. Not much thought really put into that one. She did say to me earlier this year that she wished she would have been called Tricia instead of Patty... but that’s HER and we are different people with completely different personalities and lifestyles. Funny how I was supposed to be a boy with a J name and the name I’ve chosen for myself is a J name 😜. Trisha, Trish. Isn’t a horrible name. But once you start getting called Trash and Trasha it once again burrows down inside me to this hatred and trauma. Like why are kids so fucking mean, yo?!

Lastly, there is Marie. Named from my great grandmother whom I’ve never met. Great tribute and all for my parents to do that, but honestly it just bares no meaning to me. I’ve never met the woman. I know very little of her life and legacy. I’m guilty of giving my children names after their relatives too, but honestly think people should stop doing that. Let kids be their own person and not have to be named after someone else. There is another middle name that I’d love to have more than Marie. Love. It just holds so much more meaning to me than a woman I’ve never met and know so little about. 

Ok, ok so there is why I want to change my name. And Here is why I picked the one I wanted. 

                         

I had my dna tested to find out my genetic heritage. Turns out I’m a whole whole lot of Dutch/German! A little Scottish English and Norwegian in there also but the majority definitely has the German traits. 

I’m sure most everyone is familiar with the word: Wanderlust. It’s a German word meaning the desire to travel the world. 

Did you know that in German a W sounds like V? In America we say wanderlust but in Germany they say vanderlust! Speaking of Vander, the Dutch words van der means “from the family of” and the German word lust means desire. So Vvanderlust can be translated to the meaning “from the family of desire” which speaks so true to my being. 

Now, what about JOURNEE? Well, my original thought was Journey. Because life is a journey. And my life certainly has been. Then I saw the French spelling Journee and decided though it was more as a cutesy spelling than anything, I liked it better as a name than writing it as Journey. But then to top it off I researched the French word journee and it actually means day. So, if saying life is a journey that you take day by day, it just felt so right as if it were suited for me.

Lastly, Love. Most importantly SELF LOVE, that I have been working so hard on to love and respect myself and to make choices that are best for me no matter what others think. Soo many reasons I’ve found over the years to hate myself based on the perception of others. It’s simply time to let it go and do what I want and I love because it is my journey in life, after all. Plus for many years I’ve never claimed a religion but I’ve believed that love is our greater power. We do a lot for love and passion, and if only the world was more loving then maybe we’d all be in a little bit better of a place. So using the name love as a middle name is so important to me as it reminds me of my message for self love and world love. 

Ultimately what it comes down to is the meaning of Journee Love Vvanderlust is a tribute to my authentic self about my growth and discovery in self love, my desires and goals to travel and see all the beauty in the world, and paying respects to my Dutch and German heritages -which before I took my DNA test swore wasn’t accurate (secretly was hoping to be a little more exotic lol). 

There you have it, folks. The reason behind my self chosen name. It doesn’t need to make sense to you. You don’t have to like it. The important thing is that I like it and it’s something I had the power to change in my life. And I respect myself for doing it. And I greatly love and appreciate all of you that have applauded my decision, and stood by, supporting me fully. 

While it might not really matter who does or doesn’t support you, it sure does feel good when you have a circle of people cheering you on and celebrating your wins with you. It feels less lonely when you have an amazing support team. 

Love & Light to you all. Even those of you that have broke my heart and abandoned me in my time of growth. 

~𝐽𝑜𝑢𝑟𝑛𝑒𝑒

I’m surrounded by a sea of negativity

  So I am still new to this self love thing. I have struggled many years with it and any time I try to do right by myself I always seem to choose others happiness over my own. The difference now that I am 35 is I see this toxic trait now. I see that I often put other people’s happiness and opinions about my life before my own. I doubt my own ability to make choices for myself. Maybe because some of my choices are risky. Or maybe because I’ve made plenty of questionable choices in the past. But I’ve grown. I’ve learned from mistakes. And yes sometimes I still make decisions in the heat of a moment from a manic state to a depressive state, but nothing that’s severe. Nothing that put me in danger. I’m allowed to change my mind a million times. I’m allowed to start and stop things. I’m allowed to do whatever the hell it is I want to do. So why don’t I allow myself to actually do what I want? Well, not to place blame, but I’m finding it’s because I am surrounded by a sea of negativity. Negative energies and spirits that don’t build me up. And I take these negative thoughts from people and let them manifest. I let them persuade me to not do things that are good for me. I feel bad when I choose myself over everyone else. But, damnit, I NEED TO. I shouldn’t have to explain myself to anyone so why do I find myself not being confident in my choices and having to find reasons to defend them to others? I think it’s due time that I start cutting ties and moving on. I’m tired of having a circle of people who aren’t totally supportive of self love and growth. I need people in my life that cheer me on. They don’t need to agree with me. They don’t need to like what I like. They need to have enough respect for me though that they are happy for me and happy to be a cheerleader when I choose my own happiness over someone else’s.  My circle is about to become very very small. It was already small, but obviously it’s time to make it smaller. If in the end I only end up with myself, at least I am somebody that I like. Because honestly no one in your life is permanent so you have to like yourself at the end of the day in case that’s the only person you end up with for all eternity. So, time to like myself. Time to cut off anyone else who stops me from improving. 

Love & Light

-𝐽𝑜𝑢𝑟𝑛𝑒𝑒

Love Yourself Again

 We waste a lot of time being anti-this and anti-that, and not enough time being pro-this and pro-that. We put ourselves in that negative mindset many times throughout each day. Even when we tell ourselves we are going to do better and be better and focus on the positive, negative energy is a force hard to overcome and it sucks a lot of us in. And, while we might spend our day trying to be positive and uplift everyone else, the areas in life that many of us struggle being positive about is our own self image. 

 Maybe we use the excuse that we are trying to stay humble and not have an inflated ego. Maybe we surround ourselves with negative people who don’t build us up. Whatever the reason, the fact is we are most critical of our own selves. We don’t often follow our own advice. It’s a bad habit that is hard to break.

 It is important to make sure you are doing self care and positive affirmations. Those of us that suffer from major depression and bipolar really struggle with self image and self love most of the time. I know, I live it daily in my own soul. Do I think I’m a good person? Heck yes. So why don’t I love myself enough to take a stand against all of these negative self image thoughts?

 I watched a video on social media the other day that had an amazing message about your dreams, and about telling other people your dreams. Why do we look for validation from others about our dreams? Then when they give us a negative response we decide to stop chasing them because maybe they are stupid like everyone else said. But those people didn’t give you those dreams, so why do you seek their approval?

 That holds true to so much in our lives. Why do we seek approval from others? We only need approval from our selves. Be free to live your life, dream your dreams, and be the person you want to be. Love the person that you are. If you don’t love yourself or love your dreams, you have the power to change things within your control. You are responsible for your own life and how your own story plays out. Take control. Start loving yourself. Start respecting yourself. And meanwhile, stop being the person who brings somebody else down too. 

 We need to be encouraging and uplifting to ourselves and to others. We don’t live their life, we don’t dream their dreams. So our only job is to be positive and encouraging (within means, I mean if something is unsafe or going to harm someone then obviously be smart and have common sense). Don’t tear each other down but most important we need to stop tearing ourselves down. It’s ok to have your dreams. It’s ok to love yourself. And It’s ok to change the things about yourself that you don’t love if you have control over those changes. And if you can’t change the physical parts, you can change your self perception and teach yourself to love the things that make you unique. Stand up. Stand out. Just love yourselves. 

Love & Light

-𝐽𝑜𝑢𝑟𝑛𝑒𝑒