Trauma

 People don’t understand. Teenagers don’t understand. When you bully someone, just how deep the wounds go. They don’t understand the trauma they are causing. They aren’t thinking when they call you names, how many years you carry that negativity with you. It’s hard to let go of it. Actions and Words towards others have great impact on who people are and what they become. When you’re a kid adults tell you to grow some thick skin and shake it off. How about instead of telling the victims to learn to deal with it, we teach people not to be so fucking hateful?! Why should I have to brush it off and work on letting go? So what, I was fucking weird. We’re all a little bit weird and a little bit crazy. Why does that give someone the right to judge me? Why does that give someone a pass to make fun of or bully me? And it doesn’t stop, even as adults. You think I’m crazy? Psycho? Weird? Ugly? You have those judgements towards me for what reason? Look how ugly of a person it makes you to have such negativity towards others. I live my life, daily fighting off demons that haunt me. Pushing away words of hate and abuse from those that surrounded me as a young teen. I’m always trying to be the better person. And struggling to love myself, because so many have made me feel so unloved. I’m learning to not care what others think. I’m learning to be my authentic self. But with each day of growth there are still voices in my head that hold me down. There are still days I look in the mirror and repeat the hateful things that I was told. It’s a battle everyday. And I know this comes off as blaming others and playing victim. But you know what? Fuck you. Because if you ever said one mean thing to me, then it actually IS your fucking fault, and no I probably don’t forgive you right now. Even if it was 20 years ago or 2 years ago. Fuck. You. I won’t forgive you until I’m done healing myself. Until then, Every word repeated that goes through my head that I have to battle with, until it stops. I won’t forgive you. Someday I will. Someday I’ll love myself enough to love all of you back. But, until then, my energy is drained trying to find the good within me and let it out. That’s the trauma. This is what it does to good people with good hearts.