I’m surrounded by a sea of negativity

  So I am still new to this self love thing. I have struggled many years with it and any time I try to do right by myself I always seem to choose others happiness over my own. The difference now that I am 35 is I see this toxic trait now. I see that I often put other people’s happiness and opinions about my life before my own. I doubt my own ability to make choices for myself. Maybe because some of my choices are risky. Or maybe because I’ve made plenty of questionable choices in the past. But I’ve grown. I’ve learned from mistakes. And yes sometimes I still make decisions in the heat of a moment from a manic state to a depressive state, but nothing that’s severe. Nothing that put me in danger. I’m allowed to change my mind a million times. I’m allowed to start and stop things. I’m allowed to do whatever the hell it is I want to do. So why don’t I allow myself to actually do what I want? Well, not to place blame, but I’m finding it’s because I am surrounded by a sea of negativity. Negative energies and spirits that don’t build me up. And I take these negative thoughts from people and let them manifest. I let them persuade me to not do things that are good for me. I feel bad when I choose myself over everyone else. But, damnit, I NEED TO. I shouldn’t have to explain myself to anyone so why do I find myself not being confident in my choices and having to find reasons to defend them to others? I think it’s due time that I start cutting ties and moving on. I’m tired of having a circle of people who aren’t totally supportive of self love and growth. I need people in my life that cheer me on. They don’t need to agree with me. They don’t need to like what I like. They need to have enough respect for me though that they are happy for me and happy to be a cheerleader when I choose my own happiness over someone else’s.  My circle is about to become very very small. It was already small, but obviously it’s time to make it smaller. If in the end I only end up with myself, at least I am somebody that I like. Because honestly no one in your life is permanent so you have to like yourself at the end of the day in case that’s the only person you end up with for all eternity. So, time to like myself. Time to cut off anyone else who stops me from improving. 

Love & Light

-𝐽𝑜𝑢𝑟𝑛𝑒𝑒