What the change has done

 So I have been Journee for a few months now. The name change was a process. I still have many accounts under Trisha that need updated. About half the people in my life have taken to the name change and call me Journee and the other half either refuse to or just forget. 

 But the name change wasn’t about them it was about me, it was about my growth and my change and my journey to loving myself more. Sure, there are still days I don’t appreciate who I am and there are still plenty of days where I have a bout of depression. But mostly there are days where I am proud of myself for going through it, I am happy with the growth that I have made internally, and though others may not see it I know that I am better because of it. 

 Being Journee and going through the name change and attitude change has had a wonderful positive impact. It’s what I hoped for, what I manifested. I know there is still a lot of internal work to do, but it’s step by step and day by day. This week I’ve started eating healthier. I am starting yoga back next week. I am filling my life with more positivity and finding more people who appreciate me for my journey and have support to show. 

 This has been such a great process even through some minor annoyances and difficulties with changing everything legally. 

 I am happy.l with it. That’s what counts. 

Much Love & Light. 

I am Journee

The legal documents are done. 

My name was approved in court earlier this month. I finally got my licenses changed over, and waiting for social security to mail my new card. My birth certificate and passport are the last to change before I can adjust all of my other accounts. It’s a process. But one I am grateful to be doing. (Edited to add changing your name thru social security with covid shut downs is a pain in the ass!!! They won’t do in person appointments and the documents I mailed they won’t accept. So now I’m at a standstill with them. Fuck SS!!! Ugh!)

Life is stressful right now for other reasons I can’t share at the moment, and it’s not going to get any easier in the near future. But I am reminded of an awesome song by Nightbirde, it’s ok. 

So many words of that song sting and resonate so true. 

We’re all a little lost and it’s alright. 

- Journee

The inevitable crash

 I’ve been riding this manic high for a few weeks. But without warning, the crash came last night. Who knows how long it will last this time. My energy is tanked, my motivation depleted, my mood is very low. Crying feels like the best way to release some of it but I can’t even cry. It’s numbing. It’s dark. I know it will pass. I know I’ll get up and go again. But right now I don’t want to leave my bed. Right now I want to quit everything. Sleep is my friend. 

I don’t want to medicate because I love my manic highs. Medication made me feel suicidal last time and it made me a zombie. I can battle this alone. I can work through it naturally. But, today, I just want to sleep. 

-Journee

Trauma

 People don’t understand. Teenagers don’t understand. When you bully someone, just how deep the wounds go. They don’t understand the trauma they are causing. They aren’t thinking when they call you names, how many years you carry that negativity with you. It’s hard to let go of it. Actions and Words towards others have great impact on who people are and what they become. When you’re a kid adults tell you to grow some thick skin and shake it off. How about instead of telling the victims to learn to deal with it, we teach people not to be so fucking hateful?! Why should I have to brush it off and work on letting go? So what, I was fucking weird. We’re all a little bit weird and a little bit crazy. Why does that give someone the right to judge me? Why does that give someone a pass to make fun of or bully me? And it doesn’t stop, even as adults. You think I’m crazy? Psycho? Weird? Ugly? You have those judgements towards me for what reason? Look how ugly of a person it makes you to have such negativity towards others. I live my life, daily fighting off demons that haunt me. Pushing away words of hate and abuse from those that surrounded me as a young teen. I’m always trying to be the better person. And struggling to love myself, because so many have made me feel so unloved. I’m learning to not care what others think. I’m learning to be my authentic self. But with each day of growth there are still voices in my head that hold me down. There are still days I look in the mirror and repeat the hateful things that I was told. It’s a battle everyday. And I know this comes off as blaming others and playing victim. But you know what? Fuck you. Because if you ever said one mean thing to me, then it actually IS your fucking fault, and no I probably don’t forgive you right now. Even if it was 20 years ago or 2 years ago. Fuck. You. I won’t forgive you until I’m done healing myself. Until then, Every word repeated that goes through my head that I have to battle with, until it stops. I won’t forgive you. Someday I will. Someday I’ll love myself enough to love all of you back. But, until then, my energy is drained trying to find the good within me and let it out. That’s the trauma. This is what it does to good people with good hearts. 

Official in June

 Well, I received a letter from the courts that they originally denied my legal name change request because I didn't want to publish it in the paper. The whole point of not wanting to publish it was because I wasn't originally going to tell anyone I did it. This is something I am doing for ME. I didn't want people to tell me I was dumb or to try to talk me out of it. Or to be teased about it, because the torment all my life is what led me to file it anyway. 

 So, I went into the court house to see what the next step was and they said they already submitted to have it published. They then assigned a court date of June 3rd. This is will be the day it becomes official. I know there is the whole process of going, but there is no reason for denial. That will mean that on June 3rd my legal name change will be official.

 Since they had to publish it in the newspaper, that meant I also had to tell everyone I was doing it. I was nervous telling them, because I don't want to hurt anyones feelings (my parents) but mostly I just didn't want people making fun of me anymore. I understand it's an off the wall name, but if you've read my other blogs, you'd understand where it's coming from. SURPRISINGLY my family and friends were mostly supportive. It was a weight off my shoulders telling them I was doing it. And a few have accepted and are already calling me by my chosen name. It feels good to be my authentic self. It feels good to be comfortable in such a small (but not so small) aspect of my life.

Die already.

 I just want TRISHA PETERS to die. 

I say that, not in a suicidal way, but in a self hatred way. However, is it self hatred if she is not me, anymore? 

I had to revisit some of that torment last night. I was being questioned about the depth of my self hate to see where the roots of it are. It’s not an easy thing to stare in the face. The things I’ve done as Trisha aren’t pretty. They don’t define the person that I am today. But the skeletons in the closet are so dark and haunting. I just want to escape them. I want them to die. I want everything about the life of Trisha to disappear. I want to reinvent myself and be someone totally new. I want to forget all those things that pull me back beneath the surface and just move on with a new life. 

I think I love acting so much because it gives me an outlet. It gives me a chance to be somebody else and love a different life. A temporary escape from the prison my soul feels in. 

I just want to be able to let go. So, please, for the sake of my sanity and my future to be bright, please. Just let Trisha Peters die. 

Imma break it down for you.

 Ok, I get it. I’ve been called Trish by many of you for 30- plus years (we won’t admit just how old I am here lol). For many of you it’s like I just woke up and said ok I changed my name. But honestly I asked my mom to change my name when I was a teenager. At that time I wanted to be SUMMER DOLORES MAX, but mom obviously didn’t allow it. Anyway, as an adult I found out I could change it simply by filing with the local courts. But, The abruptness of it. The fact I did it on April fools day. I get that you don’t understand. But, it’s not meant for you to understand. I actually swore to myself that I would NOT explain it to anyone. The name choice to you might seem so random. But honestly I’ve thought about it a while and kept it to myself. Mostly because a lot of you are opinionated about a subject matter that you really have no say in. BUT all that aside, I decided to break it down and explain the meaning behind the new name. It’s deep within me and maybe once you read this you might understand. 

Most of you still won’t accept it, it is what it is though. 

JOURNEE LOVE VVANDERLUST

I’ll start with my given birth name, TRISHA MARIE PETERS

I just want to ask to begin with, how many of you have a name that references to a DICK? Look, kids are straight up assholes, and unless you have some name like this one growing up, you might not quite understand the torment I faced for many many years being a woman having a last name that is another term for a man’s cock. It. Was. Horrible. 

So, the majority of my life I spent despising my last name. I hated it more than I hated my ex husband so when I got divorced I kept his last name for quite a while. I did eventually go back to it after my second divorce. Because, at one point I thought, it’s who I am and I have no say in it. And I really did try to embrace it. But, even as an adult and even some of the people who are closest to me still liked to tease me relentlessly. It becomes exhausting hating something about yourself so much. I didn’t choose this name. It was given to me. By parents who, first off, thought I was a boy and was going to name me Jonathon. And when I think about my name and think about my life my dad really wasn’t around a lot growing up and his dad does before I was ever born so it’s not like I was bonded to the name Peters, it was never deeply rooted to me to have any meaning. I just don’t feel like I should continue to have a name that I am teased for and have to honor it, Like, why should I do that?

And Trisha... from Patricia, my mother. Who swore I was a boy and had no girl names picked out, so stuck me with a version of hers so she would be allowed to leave the hospital. Not much thought really put into that one. She did say to me earlier this year that she wished she would have been called Tricia instead of Patty... but that’s HER and we are different people with completely different personalities and lifestyles. Funny how I was supposed to be a boy with a J name and the name I’ve chosen for myself is a J name 😜. Trisha, Trish. Isn’t a horrible name. But once you start getting called Trash and Trasha it once again burrows down inside me to this hatred and trauma. Like why are kids so fucking mean, yo?!

Lastly, there is Marie. Named from my great grandmother whom I’ve never met. Great tribute and all for my parents to do that, but honestly it just bares no meaning to me. I’ve never met the woman. I know very little of her life and legacy. I’m guilty of giving my children names after their relatives too, but honestly think people should stop doing that. Let kids be their own person and not have to be named after someone else. There is another middle name that I’d love to have more than Marie. Love. It just holds so much more meaning to me than a woman I’ve never met and know so little about. 

Ok, ok so there is why I want to change my name. And Here is why I picked the one I wanted. 

                         

I had my dna tested to find out my genetic heritage. Turns out I’m a whole whole lot of Dutch/German! A little Scottish English and Norwegian in there also but the majority definitely has the German traits. 

I’m sure most everyone is familiar with the word: Wanderlust. It’s a German word meaning the desire to travel the world. 

Did you know that in German a W sounds like V? In America we say wanderlust but in Germany they say vanderlust! Speaking of Vander, the Dutch words van der means “from the family of” and the German word lust means desire. So Vvanderlust can be translated to the meaning “from the family of desire” which speaks so true to my being. 

Now, what about JOURNEE? Well, my original thought was Journey. Because life is a journey. And my life certainly has been. Then I saw the French spelling Journee and decided though it was more as a cutesy spelling than anything, I liked it better as a name than writing it as Journey. But then to top it off I researched the French word journee and it actually means day. So, if saying life is a journey that you take day by day, it just felt so right as if it were suited for me.

Lastly, Love. Most importantly SELF LOVE, that I have been working so hard on to love and respect myself and to make choices that are best for me no matter what others think. Soo many reasons I’ve found over the years to hate myself based on the perception of others. It’s simply time to let it go and do what I want and I love because it is my journey in life, after all. Plus for many years I’ve never claimed a religion but I’ve believed that love is our greater power. We do a lot for love and passion, and if only the world was more loving then maybe we’d all be in a little bit better of a place. So using the name love as a middle name is so important to me as it reminds me of my message for self love and world love. 

Ultimately what it comes down to is the meaning of Journee Love Vvanderlust is a tribute to my authentic self about my growth and discovery in self love, my desires and goals to travel and see all the beauty in the world, and paying respects to my Dutch and German heritages -which before I took my DNA test swore wasn’t accurate (secretly was hoping to be a little more exotic lol). 

There you have it, folks. The reason behind my self chosen name. It doesn’t need to make sense to you. You don’t have to like it. The important thing is that I like it and it’s something I had the power to change in my life. And I respect myself for doing it. And I greatly love and appreciate all of you that have applauded my decision, and stood by, supporting me fully. 

While it might not really matter who does or doesn’t support you, it sure does feel good when you have a circle of people cheering you on and celebrating your wins with you. It feels less lonely when you have an amazing support team. 

Love & Light to you all. Even those of you that have broke my heart and abandoned me in my time of growth. 

~𝐽𝑜𝑢𝑟𝑛𝑒𝑒